Alexander was Badass
Alexander the great is a real historical figure who lived and ruled one of the greatest empires anyone had ever seen between the years 356-323BCE. He achieved more than most people ever do in a short 33 years of life making him seem almost mythical. So, it makes sense that the stories that spread about him after his death made him larger than life. Here are some of the stories that show Alexander being Badass.
The story of Alexander’s birth is only the beginning of the marvelous tales surrounding him. According to the Syriac Alexander Romance, Alexander was not allowed to be born until, “At a favorable time Olympias gives birth to Alexander, and the earthquakes and the lighting flashes forth from the sky” (Budge). This telling us that even from the day he was born there was something special and badass about this man.
Raising a young prince is hard work. Chretien de Troyes writes an interesting story about Alexander’s youth. In this Arthurian legend Alexander told by his father that before he can become king he must go off and be a knight for King Arthur. So not only is Alexander going to grow up to be a king of his own land; he must train and learn from another great king, Arthur, making this another badass adventure of Alexander.
Alexander does eventually become king and when he does, he goes out to conquer the world. One of the first places he conquers is the city of Gordium. In the city of Grodium he runs into an issue. He sees an elaborately decorated chariot that he wants, but he cannot have it because it is tired with the most tangled intertwined knot anyone has seen. This is called the Gordian knot and instead of wasting his time untangling the knot, as described by Plutarch, “in consequence Alexander did not know what to do, and in the end loosened the knot by cutting through it with his sword.”(pp. 298) A complete alpha move, and another badass accomplishment of Alexander.
Alexander wasn’t just badass in the way of striking first and hitting hard. Alexander was badass in the way he showed his enemies mercy. In the Shahnameh, Alexander conquers Persia by defeating his half-brother Dara in battle. Dara was the king of the Persian Empire and ruled for many years. Alexander came to defeat him but not kill him: he was going to let Dara live because he respected him, but Dara’s men turned on him. Before Alexander could do anything Dara’s own guards murdered him. Alexander found the dying body of his brother and held him in his arms. He listened to his brother tell him how to rule Persia and stayed with him until he died. Alexander goes on to give Dara a lovely funeral and take care of his family and make Babylon his new home. This story shows Alexander is a man of mercy and respect, and in my book that’s badass.
Another story from the Shahnameh is Alexander fighting the dragon. In this story he hears about a dragon terrorising the people. Rather than fighting the dragon on his own, he talks to his men and they come up with a plan. The plan is to take cows and fill them up with explosives and feed the cows to the dragon. The dragon eats the cows and blows up. This story shows Alexander is not only strong but cunning as well. Now Alexander is becoming more than just a king. He is becoming a badass hero.
On Alexander’s campaign to conquer and unite the world a village of people run to him and ask him for help. Turns out these people are being terrorized by the Cannibal nation of Gog and Magog. Alexander listens to their cries for help and assesses the situation. He deems there is nothing else that he can do for the people except build a wall sealing the nation of Gog and Magog away with a prophecy until the ends of time. (Budge)
Finally, we come to the end of Alexander’s life and according to Walter of Chatillon, when Alexander was done conquering the East, he went back and conquered the West. God and the Devil were afraid of Alexander dying because if he did, he would conquer Heaven and Hell (Chatillon). So, without anywhere else to go, Alexander goes to space (Stoneman). With the world conquered Alexander builds a flying machine with a throne in the center and four griffins chained to the legs. He has spears with meat at top and the Griffins fly him to space for he has conquered this world and will go on to conquer the stars.
Alexander the Great lived and a pretty impressive life by showing use that he was cunning, brave, smart, respectful and most of all a total boss wherever he went. While reliable historical records of Alexander’s space battles and dragon slaying adventures continue to elude historians, his badass heroic legends still have much to teach us about the virtues and values of the many civilizations he inspired through the ages.
Works Cited
Budge, E.A.W., The History of Alexander the Great, being the Syriac version of the Pseudo-Callisthenes./Ed. from five manuscripts, with an English translation and notes. Cambridge: The University Press, 1889.
De Troyes, Chretien, Arthurian Romance. Trans. Carleton W. Carroll. New York, Penguin, 1991
Ferdowsi, Abolqasem. Shanhameh: The Persian Book of Kings. Trans. Dick Davis. New York: Penguin, 2007.
Plutarch, The Age of Alexander. New York. Penguin books, 2012
Stoneman, Richard. Alexander the Great: A Life in Legend. Yale University Press, 2010.
Walter of Chatillon, The "Alexandreis" of Walter of Chatilon: A Twelfth-Century Epic. University of Pennsylvania Press, 1996.